an open letter

Dear Coach Saban,

I'm not sure I've formally welcomed you to Alabama. Welcome to Alabama.

I know I haven't thanked you for the work and money you pour into your wonderful organization, Nick's Kids. A whole lot of my personal favorite charities benefit from the money raised through that fund, not to mention the positive attention they get from the press that comes with those gifts. Sure, you make a whole bunch of money, and you could write a big ol' check and be done with it, but I'm very much on board with folks in your position helping to bring awareness and a sense of shared responsibility to "the least of these" and I have a feeling Mrs. Saban and you do things for the community we won't ever hear about.

So, really. Totally happy with ya on those counts.

And, given that you are coaching what was a fairly shell-shocked group of young men whom some have called the "B" list in terms of recruitment, I'm really pretty much okay with what I've seen so far this year. I'm still happily hungover from that V over Arkansas, because I was in the stands that night, ya know.

I have never played football, much as I begged my folks to let me play. I'm not one of those people who know every intricate in and out of every possible formation. I am just a fan. A big fan.

But this Just Fan has a couple suggestions for you, and I hope you won't think I'm being all, like, pushy or anything if I share them with you.

1) As thrilled as I am that you have somehow managed to remind the Tide that there is actually a 4th quarter, I think they have forgotten that there are three others that kinda need to be played, too. Fix that, okay?

Vintage Bama fans like myself appreciate a heart-stopper, but we are aging and our hearts can't take it anymore, especially when they end up broken at the end.

2) We need a running game. Again, I'm no expert, but I'm thinkin' that involves putting a couple of big type guys in position to open up some room for your guys - like Grant -- who are just itching to break loose. Maybe somebody there didn't get the memo that the fast guys don't really need to be tacklin' the guys who are assigned to do pretty much nothing else to make runners stop running so fast.

3) We need a passing game. Don't get me wrong - I love JWP, and wow, is he ever a leader, but no matter how pretty his passes are, if nobody's down there to catch 'em, well, let's just say we don't get points for pretty passes.

4) I'll throw in a prop here -- you rock at managing timeouts. Truly. No kidding. Have you just been playing with us so we'd figure that out? Because, ya know, we understand now how good you are at this, so maybe we could try being so far ahead it doesn't really matter if we run out of them. Just a thought.

5) Is there a legal substance you can feed our "D" that will make them faster? They don't need to know anything about this - maybe just a little somethin' in their Gatorade.


6) This isn't your fault, but I think you have some young men pretty much ready to listen to you, and deserving of some Tough Love, so would you please try really, really hard to get players to stop prancing and strutting when they make a nice tackle? Or catch a ball? Or make a touchdown? Or remember to brush their teeth? Really, when you've missed a gazillion easy tackles in game and make one that's worth a replay, you really just look stupid struttin' like you're all that.

I remember the good ol' days (read: Bear Bryant). When a player made a great play they pretty much just helped the opponent they'd just flattened get back on his feet, or handed the football to the nearest ref. What this said was, "Hey. This is what I do. No biggie."

Actin' like King o' the World says, "Wow -- I'm as surprised as you are that I just did that."

Well, I think that about does it. I would be happy to be on call for you, just in case you ever need a woman's perspective on this.

Oh -- this reminds me. Girl fans miss seeing Mike Shula on the sideline. I don't think he needs a paycheck, so you really shouldn't try to hire him to pretty up the place, but could you just maybe every once in a while smile?

And not that "I have a little gas" smile that Tubberville has.

Just wave and grin. Just once.

Oh, and if you were to mouth the words, "Thanks, Eleanor" when you do that, well, that would be nice, too.

Bama Forever,
Eleanor