Sunday, July 16, 2006
Ain't THAT a kick in the rear?
My sister dropped off wedding invitations this morning for my husband to deliver to my future-daughter-in-law's house today. He and son #2 were going there to get her belongings in preparation for her move here sometime in the next week.
I couldn't help it -- I peeked at them. And then I spent most of the rest of the day in a teary fog. After months and months of thinking about this wedding, and my other son's departure for college, it just became real today, and the kick in the pants is that I am unexpectedly in a total meltdown about this.
We started our family just months after our marriage, and from the moment our first was conceived (and yes, I really did know it right away), there has always been a child in our lives and entwined with my whole concept of marriage.
When I get in these sad places, I really sit and try to get to the marrow of what is hurting so.
Yes, I am excited by the prospect of seeing how much air is left in the tires of our marriage, and seeing how our relationship grows and changes with nobody's laundry in the dryer but ours anymore.
Yes, I am excited to sit and watch how these two amazing young men use the gifts God gave them and truly begin to live their lives.
Yes, I am thrilled with the prospect of having a daughter I love that somebody else raised very well.
What has hit me like a ton of Legos is the gut-wrenching regret that I was never, ever the mother I wanted to be to either of them. I loved them both (and still do) with every fiber of my being, but now I'm realizing that may not have ever been enough. I don't know that either of them will ever look back on their childhood with truly fond memories of anything. I fear they will have nothing to look back and reminisce about fondly -- that their childhoods were FINE, but nothing to tell their kids about.
I was a boring mom.
And it is too damn late to change that now.
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4 comments:
El, I think you are being too hard on yourself here. The proof of the pudding is in the eating and you have two sons who WANT to spend time with you. That does not sound like "less than" parenting in my book.
All moms are different. But, the common denominator is that the vast majority DO love their children with every fiber of their beings.
And children instinctively know this.
Give yourself a break.
You know what El? I think the best parents are those who prepare the backdrop on which kids can live their lives. Look back at your own childhood... the stuff that I remember is planning which "dive" I was gonna do first in the pool (cannon ball or can opener?), being allowed to stay up to watch "Love American Style..." or "Julia" while my mom was at Girl Scouts... choosing Hot Wheels with my BF Joan, which we then basically anthropomorphized -- the teen girls car was really more like a girl than a car!
I think the moments you *think* are gonna be the big bang ones never are -- and that's especially true if you try for it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that kids' best memories usually feature the kids themselves in the starring role. I'm sure your sons have many.
And remember, it's not to late to be an UN-boring grandmom!
This made me cry. I know that fear. My hope is that it is imagined.
My mom was not boring.
I believe true unconditional love is the key to successful motherhood. You know you have that going for you.
XOXOXO during these times.
Well, I was looking for the dress blog, but found something more beautiful..
Lovely tribute to your kids and I agree with the gals, don’t be too hard on yourself. My mum was unremarkable, but that doesn’t stop me missing her and reminiscing about my childhood. Oh, and Judy is right, I seem to recall the happiest memories of my mother, with me in the starring role! I truly believe we don’t even begin to appreciate the gift of our parents, until we are parents ourselves!
What I will share with you is the story of my Dad’s mother, who was anything but boring, even as an elderly lady, she wore me out! She owned and drove a car back in the 1920’s when this was unheard of for a woman to drive herself around. She was independent, free spirited and dragged her kids on exciting adventures around Europe. She gave them the gift of independence way too early and sent them on solo trips all over the world, whether they wanted to or not. My Dad always said ‘boring’ would have been just fine with him, rather than the frantic, 100mph life she made her boys lead. All Dad really wanted from his mum was just the occasional “I love you son”, which I don’t believe she ever uttered to either of her sons during her lifetime. It’s that memory that my Dad would recall in his later years.
It’s not a case of “doing” but just “being” which I believe children will remember us most for…
{{El}}
Carrie
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